


Yet Here I Am

by otaka101



Series: ...And Then There Were Two [2]
Category: Saints Row
Genre: Alcholism, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Guns, Implied Murder, Implied Suicide Attempt, Implied Violence, Murder, Prostitution, Self-Harm, Starvation, Suicide, mentions of cutting, mentions of drug abuse, mentions of hanging themself, this got really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 16:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8217079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otaka101/pseuds/otaka101
Summary: SomeoneAnyoneIs there anyplace I'll be able to be me?





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was something I wanted to do for Zari before they met up with Luana and the other Saints, this is all going to be pre-game Zari and I wanted to really reflect their downward spiral.

 

I’m lost in their ways

Pulling my hair back

Quiet in their shadow

My words go unheard, unvoiced, unimportant

Paste on my skin

A hand on my shoulder

Painfully tight smile on my face

It all feels so fake

Nothing I do is right

My hands shake, my legs bounce, and it’s

Too much

Too much

Too much

Too loud for what I’m supposed to be

Be smaller

Feel less

Smile wider

Don’t raise my voice above what I’m supposed to

This feels wrong

I’m wrong in my skin, eyes on a foreign body, hair wrong

Where do I belong?

Where do I belong?

Where do I belong?

The bright white light gleam off of equally bright teeth

Not here, I’m not enough

Not classy enough, not rich enough, not dignified

Being seen is an affront enough, so I keep my voice down, be smaller than I am

Not here, in the world of small skirts

In the world where it’s as easy to print out personal information and pass it out around the school

As it is to get revenge

Too much

Too much

Too much

I’m too much here

Not loud, no but my silence speaks volumes

My intelligence is something to be feared, something to envy

Something to behold

Not where being mediocre is praised as the standard

I will succeed and exceed

I have to be twice as good to get half as much respect

My home isn’t my home

Split in two

Between parents who fight at every occasion

One is safer than the other

My father is irrational

He often gets into his moods

He argues and bargains and pleads with me to understand

I do

I do

I do

I do understand

Please

I want to help

Don’t spend so much time poring over the bills dad

Let me help you

Please

I know you’re doing your best

I love you too, please let me help

He and I rarely agree on anything

But I love you too

Its safe here, let me help you

It isn’t safe over there

Over with her

Sure the house is bigger

The parties are frequent

The dresses are classy

And her face cream is said to make me better

Prettier

Lighter

Don’t go out, you’ll get darker, and you’re too dark already

Dark

Dark

Dark

Why mother do you treat it as such a dirty word?

Behind a forced smile and face cream in hand

Please

No amount of bribes will ever win me

Always the oh-so generous host

Too bad she can’t help fill the cupboards

She scares me more than any other

Stay away

Stay away

Stay away

Run

Run

Run

Run on back to dad

Run back to dad

But he has to send you back before she realizes

When she’s back in the house

When she’s awake from all the parties she’s been to

It’s the law

I can’t fight the law

Not as I’d like

His fridge is empty

But different

He tries

Eggs, milk, bread, the basics

Something, anything to feed the both of us

Her fridge is full of moldy milk, rotten eggs, and bad bread

She doesn’t bother to change it out unless anyone someone’s coming over

Her reputation is more important than my ribs slowly showing from my stomach

Not with my extended family

Your accent is too odd

You aren’t really like us

But out of pity, out of the family ties we share, you can stay

Just know it isn’t anywhere near permanent

We love you, but not that much cousin

I love you guys too

But not enough to kill for you again, don’t ask

(I’ll think about it, maybe)

Not out on my dad’s side

For I am too emotional

Never am I to see myself as a person

See yourself as a God, for that’s what you are

A God in human flesh

Steal lives of the many for that is your right

If they didn’t survive by your hand it wasn’t meant for them to be

But you must understand

A God never feels guilt for any of their actions

They are divine

You are divine

(But why am I divine?

Why is asking questions wrong?

Why can’t I be both a God and a human?

Please, I truly don’t get it

Why is a God not supposed to feel?

If I am a God, then why are there tears?)

A gun in my hand

Grenades in my bag

Go out and unleash the fury of a God

I do

(Does it really make me a God if I blindly follow?)

I leave them in the cold

Weapons in hand

I go back to her

Not armed

Not in hand

(Not that she knows that)

And I beg for the basics

(Is it wrong to want to be seen as a real person?)

I finally reach my breaking point with my mother and

A man in blue

Sends me

To the house of bars and chains

New scars form, as if I didn’t have enough

Not that many of them were physical

Not like these

I never confront her again before she bites the stray bullet

Tears not borne of sadness

Borne of bitterness and more words that go unsaid

Tears of rage and regret

I never even got to tell her

(How much I hated her)

Run

Run

Run

Debt isn’t fun

Stilwater nearly behind us

When red takes my dad from me

Right before me

Red takes his life

As his own red paints the asphalt

There isn’t a knife to my arm

No I haven’t flooded bathtub

No rope attached to ceiling above a chair

(Not to say I haven’t thought of it

Not to say I didn’t have it all in hand

All ready to take that last step

I guess I’m not a God

Just a coward

Just a coward)

It happens slowly

More effective than a handful of pills

I do what I have to

Shake my ass

Do as the client asks

Kill any who think they can get out without paying

Face the music

The speakers blaring loudly

It drags on like an over-played song

So overrated even though I know the tune by heart, memorized the words

Its small

(My own private

Orchestrated suicide)

A skipped meal or two leads to a skipped meal for a week

I get why dad was always angry and moody now

The bills pile

The money I get at all of my jobs

It’s never enough

(Between it all

I thought putting my words to paper

Baring m soul on every story

Only to always be told

It’s not enough)

I don’t belong here

Won’t someone please

Please

Please

Please

(I’m on bottle number seven now)

Someone

(Vision hazy, sleeping pills in hand, gun in the other)

Anyone

(I down the pills, not too many, only two, clean the barrel, set it down)

Tell me where I belong

(I reach for the grenade and realize belatedly I’ve pulled the pin

I wasn’t counting down the time

I just wanted to do a quick maintenance check)

I don’t think it’s here either

(…..)

I’ll just have to keep looking then

(It was in great condition, as expected, and I don’t register the explosion as it hits my skin)


End file.
